No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
