I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
