i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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