So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
