she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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