We're like a lot better than the average bears
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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