I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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