Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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