my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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