IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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