Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Four minutes until I can fart!
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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