she woke up with a sticky ear
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
