I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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