I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
