its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
