Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
