textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
