There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
