So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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