I will die if light touches me.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
