How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
