I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm too high and old for this...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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