I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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