Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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