She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
