I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
