I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
