Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
