If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
