i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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