Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
