ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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