hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
