I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Randomize
