I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
