Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
