Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
