i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
