The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
