when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
you told grandpa to call you daddy
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
