Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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