bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
