Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
