Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
