I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
