can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
