he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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