i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
