dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
birth control should be required to get into college
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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