hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
